Sorry I Can't I'm Watching Serial Killer Documentaries

My social life? Let's just say it's...complicated. Complicated by Ted Bundy. And Jeffrey Dahmer. And a whole host of other fascinatingly messed-up individuals. Why? Because, well, sorry, I can't, I'm watching serial killer documentaries.

I know, I know. It sounds morbid. Maybe even a little…creepy. My friends plan a fun night out. A concert. Dinner at that new trendy place. And what am I doing? Glued to my couch, surrounded by snacks, learning all about the BTK Killer's peculiar methods. Date night? Movie night? Out of the question, I have a date with true crime and a bucket of popcorn.

The invitations flood in. “Come hiking!” “Let's go to the beach!” “We’re having a karaoke night!” My response is always the same, a slight variation on the theme: "Wish I could! But there's this amazing documentary about a guy who collected button. It's all very insightful."

Is it the thrill? The mystery? The sheer audacity of these people? Maybe it's all of those things. Or maybe I just find ordinary life incredibly…dull. Let’s be honest. Folding laundry doesn't exactly compete with the psychological twists and turns of The Zodiac Killer.

It’s not that I want to spend my weekends immersed in the darkest corners of humanity. It's just…it’s so captivating! Each story is a puzzle. A twisted, horrifying puzzle, sure. But a puzzle nonetheless. And I, my friend, am determined to solve it (or at least watch someone else try).

My family doesn't quite get it. "Why are you watching that stuff?" they ask, wrinkling their noses. "Doesn't it give you nightmares?" Maybe a little. Okay, maybe sometimes. But the nightmares are way less terrifying than the thought of missing the latest episode of "I Survived!".

The "Benefits" (Yes, There Are Some)

Okay, maybe "benefits" is a strong word. But hear me out! I'm pretty sure watching these documentaries has made me more observant. More aware of my surroundings. More likely to double-check the locks on my doors. (Is that paranoia? Possibly. But is it unfounded paranoia? I think not!)

Plus, I’m a total trivia whiz now. Need someone to identify obscure murder weapons? I'm your gal. Want to know the psychology behind a particular type of crime? I’ve got you covered. This knowledge is surprisingly useful…in very specific, and hopefully never-to-be-needed, situations.

Don't even get me started on my understanding of forensic science. I could practically be a CSI. (Okay, maybe not. But I could definitely pretend to be one on Halloween.)

And honestly, sometimes it's just nice to escape. To lose myself in a story, even a dark one. It's a break from the everyday stresses of life. A little morbid escapism never hurt anyone…right?

The Social Fallout

Of course, there are downsides. Explaining my viewing habits at parties is always…interesting. “So, what have you been up to?” “Oh, you know, just learning about the motivations of various spree killers.” The resulting awkward silence is deafening. I quickly learn to change the subject. “Anyone seen the new Marvel movie?”

My dating life? A disaster. No one wants to hear about Ed Gein on a first date. Trust me. It's a guaranteed conversation killer. (Pun intended? Maybe a little.)

But hey, at least I’m entertained. And informed. And prepared for the worst. So next time you see me canceling plans at the last minute, just know that I'm not trying to be rude. I'm just…busy. Busy unraveling the mysteries of the human psyche, one serial killer documentary at a time.

So if you call, and I don’t answer,

Sorry, I can't, I'm watching serial killer documentaries.